People think everybody is moving to LA but they have nothing on Pity City. Millions of people are moving to Pity City which is driving up rents. People can’t afford living there, especially because they didn’t get their yearly bonus. “I work remote but haven’t opened my laptop in a month”, a new arrival stated. Some people say those who move to Pity City need an attitude adjustment, to take the ridiculous rents in stride, even without getting that bonus. But it is a little ironic that the people who move to Pity City have everything stacked against them once they get there. At least the chairs are top tier being furnished by Herman Miller.

Michigan State researchers have demonstrated a new Natural Stupidity algorithm that relies on real flesh and blood low IQ humans to answer chatbot questions. All one has to do to man the answering end of Natural Stupidity is take a selfie with a red and white hat. Once in you’ll get paid $5 per hour to answer a wide range of queries. Scientists are worried that most of the information furnished by the Natural Stupidity chatbot will be inaccurate or even harmful but critics are quick to point out that that is basically the way the internet already is. Elon Musk has called for a six month moratorium on Natural Stupidity until we have a better grasp on where it is taking us but privately he is developing a Natural Stupidity chatbot ten times more powerful as his screening process for stupidity is even better.

Our team of crack reporter sleuths were able to find a data dump on the dark web that showed what we all had thought all along, that kindest 10% of men were getting all the women. One of the profiles was Duffy, a four foot 8 crater face busboy who spent his after hours volunteering at a no kill shelter for blind amputee animals. Women have always said that kindness was the most important thing and our research and Duffy’s DM’s blowing up confirm this. It also explains why the culture has gotten so much kinder and gentler in the past ten years. The other 90% of men who aren’t as kind are vying to get in the top 10% so they have put down their porn and first person shooters and started watching reruns of Mr. Rodgers. Everyone crows about kindness but now hat it’s being incentivize expect the arc of history to bend towards good.

America has become used to being number one but now for different reasons. We have just recently cracked the top ten list of shithole countries for leading the world in a lot of things. #1 in single parent households, #1 in developed world for restricting womens’ healthcare, #1 in mass shootings, #1 worst in the developed world for healthcare, #1 in exporting the late stage capitalist narrative where you are nothing but your looks and wealth, #1 in exporting Christianity that basically says the same, #1 in military spending exporting imperialism the world doesn’t want.

People may disagree with Trump but his instinctual ascertaining that America is no longer great is right on the money.

The Japanese say cleaning is good for the soul. So is cooking. So is shutting up and meditating. So is blocking out the structural baggage when performing a task, for example practicing mindfulness when doing all the household’s dishes. The leaf and stems diet works wonders for mental health but they move the stakes on how long it takes. Performative positivity makes you happy. It gives you the trappings of happiness because depression is just the presence of negative thoughts so getting rid of them gets rid of it! Altruism gives you joy, the more emotional labor you perform the better you feel. It’s been proven by science. Or at least one and a half psychological studies and we all know psychology is the ultimate arbiter of truth.

The conflict in the Ukraine has both sides running out of shells. That’s a big problem because if we had to stop war because of running out of ammo than a big chunk of our economy would just collapse. Thankfully Raytheon is hard at work building cutting-edge laser weapons that never run out of ammo. The Laser Weapons Bowl will have two division two teams facing off for the prize of the green phaser. Tickets can be bought for a song.

Facebook’s tanking stock has caused it to look harder for new revenue streams. Thankfully a new cash cow in the form of the “Find Support” option has appeared. Thousands of people have been carted off to the funny farm without so much as a whisper of due process. Going to the mental hospital is an expensive endeavor and Facebook has increasingly taken a piece of the action which these hospital are glad to give. Social media actually makes people suicidal by design so Facebook is looking to capitalize on this on the back end. Remember if they give the desire for death for free, they want you to do something that gets you hospitalized.

With the advent of the new Scrabble variants COVID has gone into a new fun phase. It’s still killing some vulnerable people but now in brand new fun flavors. XS affects people with tiny shirt size, XL affects those with huge ones, BJ is sexually transmitted, and ZA is the highest scoring, particularly when on a triple word score. Booster uptake has never been lower which is OK since the vaccines don’t really prevent the Scrabble variants from taking hold. For most people COVID is not too much worse than a bad cold, albeit one that comes with at least a year of crippling depression and anxiety.

An area man in the gutter assured us that his bipolar mania was the best thing that ever happened in his entire life. “I slept on a mattress on the floor in a basement and worked night shift at The Sizzler. I have never had a girlfriend. I have a sister in the next city over but rarely see her. One morning joy just found me, I started believing things were going to turn around and get better. Believe me, morning turned to evening and then to morning again without me sleeping a wink. I worked on my screenplay during that time and missed one of my shifts. They eventually found me in the parking lot of a Cub Foods ranting incoherently and sent me to the funny farm where I got shot up with Haldol and put on antipsychotics. They told me my joy was mania and drugged me out of it. Now I’m back where I was except with the insight that what they call joy is simply feigning happiness the way someone wants you to. But mania was the best thing to ever happen to me.”

Upon the overturning of Roe, women have suddenly found themselves with less rights than a steer. One area woman tried in vain to climb back into her mother’s uterus so she would be afforded the protections this great Christian ruled nation would offer her. Just taking certain medication that could possibly cause a miscarriage is on shaky legal ground even if it’s a medication they need to survive. I know it seems like a dystopian shitshow but it’s all part of God’s plan. Well births are part of God’s plan, after that we don’t give a shit. Just show up at Chick-fil-A and get a chicken sandwich. They’re made with pickle juice. Canada is amassing troops at its southern border to stave off the influx of women with nowhere else to go who are afraid of being jailed for taking medication.