Worst Of [Explicit Content Warning]

THE UGLY TIMES – promo SAGA slip (put in the display at SAGA tables)
Do you have trouble accepting compliments about your physical appearance… because you never receive them?
Do you find yourself comparing your physical appearance to a horse’s rear-end?
Are all your friendships with the opposite sex online-only?
Do you find yourself buying mirrors and cameras for people because you tend to break them?

Plowshares days besides no shower day
We noticed the ridiculous amount of rejection on campus and decided to take some action. We created no turn-down day. It was a riot! The only problem was that every guy asked out one of the three hottest girls on campus and all the girls asked one of the three hottest guys on campus. The dates ended up being in Edmund Chapel, Barrows Auditorium, Armerding 123, the quad, Blanchard 339, and Scripture Press field.

Speaking of days that didn’t go over too well, we wanted to raise awareness of
corruption in the Ukraine. Put it this way, people were definitely aware of something
but the message didn’t get through too well. I guess no butt-wipe day won’t happen again
next year.

Our next attempt failed too. No man-hating day seemed like a good idea at first, but
then we realized where these women were coming from. I mean, Wheaton is a great place but only .81% of the guys here are perfect and they tend to get snapped up right
away.

Perhaps the day that went over the worst was clothing optional day. A lot of people said
they would wear the same outfit as me. However, I was the only one that ended up showing up to class in the nude. There were big questions as to my continued enrollment at Wheaton. However, I reasoned my way out of it by saying that clothing optional day was the Society for Biblical Man and Womanhood’s way of protesting original sin.
(The above was written in 2003 or 2004, long before the current events in the Ukraine)

Dirty Looks Ineffective Evangelism Tool
Today, the Council of Trent Reznor announced that after years and millions in taxpayer-supported research, it has determined that looking at church parishioners like they are canine tends to cause them to leave. Bill Habilis, a well-respected church leader stated, “We are like any other business. Our per-seat operating costs are high. It is a cause for concern when people start filling the seats who don’t have the appearance that suggests they’ll support our bottom line. We only require faith the size of a mustard seed but you’d better have a wallet fatter than that king Ehud knocked off”.

which one of these boardroom-concocted ideas would best stem the tide of engagements here at Wheaton

have a “we wish you wouldn’t get married” Christmas

make everybody look ugly somehow and then make them prettier again when they’re old enough to make more responsible decisions

cover Blanchard tower with a huge black plastic garbage bag

have happy nearly-engaged couples start on anti-depressants. They can figure out of they’re really love each other or are just using each other to get good feelings. It would also kill their virility which would keep them from rushing into marriage on the account of sex.

cordon off certain corners of Fischer lobby with barbed wire and force people to present their ID’s to get in

give away free copies of “Playing the Tuba at Midnight: The Joys & Challenges of Singleness”

in a non-Wheaton affiliated alumni publication, provide marriage statistics for every graduating student

Traber 7’s Wheaton Mascot Rejected
It took years to find a new mascot for Wheaton to shrug off their Crusader name. People in the penthouse got down to business creating one that rivaled the Nude Century Challenge in its boldness. It never left the cutting room floor but we had a mole inside Traber that shared with us the concept art below. 

Libyan Bio-Terrorists Manufacture Deadly Biological Virus: Side-Effects Sexy
Hollywood insiders have procured a vile of a new biological agent known as Eprett directly from Usama Bin-Laden’s Al-Qaeda bioterror subnetwork. Mad scientists put millions of man-hours into creating an organism which could effectively deliver contiguous torture only to find that, over time, it constrained ones face to non-distinctive proportions and formed ones body into a commercially-lauded stereotype. In short, they created a non-deadly virus that could make you dead sexy. A giant pharmaceutical company (with a name we cannot disclose) has patented this biological agent. Plans for the mass market are forthcoming.

Proof of No Life box-office smash

Ugly guy gets no answer after asking girl why she doesn’t talk to ugly guys

Woman posts thread championing complementarianism on Wheaton Forum, forum chimes back with “thank you for your submission”